the meaning (your believing)
disappointment followed on the heels of truth jumped off the ledge of clouded sentiment with no net to catch it and there's no concrete reason i can believe in that it won't happen again and again.
betting nothing is betting you can't win and you're losing again. losing the meaning is different than losing the thing. so which one is it? the meaning or your believing?
disappointment followed on the heels of faith and trust jumped from the ledge of clouded sentiment. delusion is a strength of mine, a strength of pride. the loss, we both suffer.
betting nothing is betting you can't win and you're losing again. losing the meaning is different than losing the thing. so which one is it? the meaning or your believing?
in the battle of who could care less, a contest (in which) i confess my promises never stand up to the test, it takes work to build a better net. promises stand up! there's no rest from battle of all against all against all.
REF: ben folds five (who could care less), get up kids (betting nothing), thomas carlyle (all against all)
no hugging = no learning
NOTE: I'm well aware these lyrics suck.
i'll stay the coward (because it's) the best i can get.
oh john!
oh john! remember the way things used to be? and john, it's over: the way i'd take what you say.
so john, just try to understand where i am. no answer, no reason, no way to know or hope.
you look so long and you stop seeing that lies are just hopes that lies are just hopes.
REF: Jeremy Enigk (oh john)
coffee spoons and knives
we measure our lives with coffee spoons and knives rather than try to believe the easy lie. it's not over till it's over. but our own regrets, we can't let others forget. the blood we shed, it's not our own.
REF: T.S. Eliot (Love Song of Alfred J Prufrock), the Weakerthans (easy lie)
traffic circle
this air bag is suffocating me. all i can breathe is the sulfur. and i don't have a witness. it's a bitter, sweet, sweet, pyrrhic victory. lights looking left are lights looking away. i promise i'll drive into the distance. your lights illuminate only exits now. you can drive around in circles for years and years and never do justice to all of your fears. a traffic circle. and the ringing in your ears is the car wreck i'm trying not to escape. this sulfur is suffocating me. circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, circle, stop.
the thing i think my friend to be
the thing i think my friend to be
at least can mean that much to me.
if you can't, or it seems you won't,
your ghost will try, although you don't.
REF: this is in iambic pentameter, except the third line, which is partially in trochaic
no face
the sun has gone and i'm lost without them. if i hold my breath they see through me. so i try to breathe the air, to feel the air flow through me. but the only one who sees me is the one with no face.
the monsters always care, the monsters always see, the air of anxiety surrounding me. i create it with hope and caring, an open heart, a thought of sharing. i try so hard to let go, so why don't i? the only one who sees me is the one with no face.
for a friend, or an enemy, or anything i thought i wanted. it's so hard to believe that this is what it's come to. this is all i wanted but i never should have had.
the monsters always care, the monsters always see, the air of anxiety surrounding me. there's nothing to fight when the air is your enemy. i forgot my name. i forgot who i am and i am left alone with the one with no face.
REF: Miyazaki's Spirited Away
groundhog day
this day could be the worst of my life green eyes and blue skies and this day is a start and an end this day could be the rest of my life this repetition discovered a why if this day could be the best of my life would I change anything?
if i had a dime for every time that i’ve heard this song i'd have nothing more than a reminder of why every day means as much as the first repetition signifies
no regrets is a lie
this day could be the worst of my life green eyes and blue skies and this day is a start and an end this day could be the rest of my life this repetition discovered a why if this day could be the best of my life would I change anything?
if i had a dime for every time that i’ve heard this song i'd have nothing more than a reminder of why every day means as much as the first repetition signifies my life
the endless day is over and now there’s no need for choices and no regrets is a lie
now i can say the reason why i choose to live life
REF: the movie Groundhog Day, holiday is often day before my birthday, Nietzsche's doctrine of eternal recurrence, othello
the second metaphor
instrumental
REF: Nietzsche - the second metaphor
stay golden
NOTE: I was never happy with these lyrics, but due to schedule restraints on the part of the studio, never got to rerecord them, so, in my opinion the lyrics to this song suck and are sorely underdeveloped because i was unprepared, sorry
and that’s something i wouldn’t say cause there’s nothing right with us today you can’t stay golden no you can’t stay golden
you can’t mean the same to me now as then cause you won’t be the same now as then
not the same, you change, nothing stays the same
now that ... (i forgot this)
.. in the way you shake your head you say there is no rain today if there is then it’s needed
and all the stars that shine will fade into the light of common day and lose what made them ours
REF: the outsiders, william wordswoth (intimations of immortality)
save my life
this image that i worship blends your real with my make believe and i live in constant fear that the real i love will only leave
i'll settle for the more and the less all you need is a reason and i lose
the sound of your voice the touch of your hands the look in your eye when you say maybe
i can’t trust you till you have a choice
please can’t you save my life
until the waiting is through, please can’t you save my life
REF: Chaucer, the Bible, some movie i saw but cant remember now (the more and the less)
second chance
everyone deserves a second chance, it's only good luck that we had the first. the quality of mercy is not strained but generous. substitution is realizing it could be you. that we give of ourselves is our only saving grace. forgiveness is a responsibility.
it's not for your sake. The world is what you make, but it's not for you.
the judgment we put on our friends stays with us, sticks to us, for all our days, it follows us through our lives, and it makes us who we are.
we make ourselves by who we love
forget and forgive and let all be done with, it's a glorious thing to live and to let live. where there is anger, there's always a better way. i'd rather be happy than right anyways. this was the year to lose all of my friends. another person is not a means to my ends. this isn't worth another moment of pain, maybe i like it, maybe i'm wired that way.
once i've realized that fighting is never fair, i can't look away and pretend that i don't care.
REF: William shakespeare (quality of mercy, Merchant of Venice), the Bible, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, seth mccarrol (this was the year ..), the TV series scrubs (wired that way), the movie A Very Long Engagement (fighting is never fair)
gravity is a choice
this is the last time that i wear these shoes, worn thin from the weight of inward attention, gravity pushes down and in, eyes locked on feet, can't tell what is
i feel my heart through my toes
all i've seen is what i wanted to see, out of sight and out of mind, as a way of life, and i'm out of my mind
this fight is not a fight that i wanted to start, infinity in a point is still nothing at all, identity in the fall of a whale, and a wonder at the world
no matter how different i think i am or how changed i feel, the wreck is still all encompasing, without effort there is no meaning
to be light and float away, growth comes from wider angles, gravity is a choice
REF: infinity in a point comes from somewhere cant remember, Hitchhiker's Guide (whale), note: gravity is a metaphor for gravitas in this song, not a literal force of nature
the centre cannot hold
things fall apart and the centre cannot hold
REF: W.B. Yeats "The Second Coming" (...centre cannot hold)
a bitter means to a better end
The silent breaking of the thin line Is inability to say “I’m not fine” What I’ve got to find my friend (is) A bitter means to a better end I can’t just take whatever’s offered And passively accede to suffer ‘All is well and as it should be’ When nothing in this world is right for me
I could continue on and stay broken in the end Or find a bitter means to a better end I am worn out with dreams A Mind moving that seems stopped Leaves nothing but vague memories And a sort of messy suffering
It’s only hard if I make it so
As long as I was underground I couldn’t hear the sound Hiding from the worst … parts of me Hid me from reality
It’s only hard if I think I can’t It’s only hard if I think I can’t I’m looking forward to that final day Where I can mean all the things I say The final moment and best test When the sun sets and mind is at rest A little left when the road is straight A picture frame for my final place A bitter means to a better end When you can be my only friend Frozen in place and filled with love And memories and thoughts I cant ruin A little left when the road is straight A bitter means to a better end
A lack of plaster, paint, and face Or lens of distance from a warm embrace A snow covering half hidden roots That melt at a sight and break their case Though my heart is worn with dreams A Never-ending desire is in me The hourly kindness, the day’s common speech And the happiness of each with each
The lost possibility That I ever could see Happiness on the face of On the face of some other me
REF: Sartre "a sort of ..."; Yeats "worn out with ...", "lack of plaster", "snow covering ....", "the hourly kindness ..."
fear death by water
i had, not thought, that death had (undone), so many others starve while i am drowned aware yet trapped by my own lack
my head is trapped by the same ice that holds my body, the frozen water stills my arteries i can still see around, i can still see the suffering, i can still feel
water flows through its reasoned channels, i must find a way to put off this mental barrier i can't save everyone, so why save one, why not just save myself?
if i can't, who can, if i won't, then who will, my frozen body still moves i must try harder, to forget my self, play with my heart and not my head
you always have a way, of breaking through the ice it's up to you there is meaning in everything we do it’s up to you
inaction is an action
the only way (the only way) to save my self (to save my self ) is to save another (another) the only way (the only way) the only way (to save my self) is to save another (another) the only way (the only way) to save myself is to play with my heart and not my head play with my heart and not my head play with my heart and not my head
REF: T.S. Eliot "fear death by water"; Dante "i had no idea ..."; "play with my heart and not my head" doug came up with this
triumphalism
I was happier then Or was that even me Stream moves faster than Even different could be A Change of heart or just a whim?
Every time that I sit Every time that I feel Another he won’t have Was that ever mine to steal? Forward or back, progress a feeling of loss …
My hand is stopped I am not ready Will it mean any? Will it mean any? Word I could say Thought I could think Remembering When I was that way I WAS THAT WAY!
But that was then and not now Another time another self This is him and that was me Pull it once and then you see I’ve separated myself from everyone
Am I any more justified Because a judge tells me I’m right Collective voice calling his name Condemning me and him all the same We live the same, we die the same, we all suffer
We are the same!
The walls speak through my ears I’m done for my own tears A witness to violent act Now I must remember the fact I am now the less His last word was “confess” Just a button in a voting booth And now I have to live with that truth
REF: Joyce "I was happier then"
if we were all suddenly somebody else
See ourselves for who we are Or either side of what we were The place I stand is not new Because others have stood where I am too
Our thoughts inform the choices we see And Actions remind us we are free To be more than just moving parts A pump is more than just a heart
If we were all suddenly somebody else We all have broken parts, we need to fix our hearts
The one I watch is suffering The tables turn and it is me Without love of my fellow man Surviving isn’t something I …
Our thoughts inform the choices we see And Actions remind us we are free To be more than just moving parts A pump is more than just a heart
The broken heart of someone else Is another chance to save myself A reflective stare into another’s life Me in his eyes
If we were all suddenly somebody else
REF: Joyce: relation of heart to pump; Joyce "if we were all suddenly somebody else", "me in his eyes"
snazziest ever
this is the snazziest song ever (repeat)
REF:
ALP prefers the sea
A thousand glowing orbs on a darkling plain moving quickly through but never escaping
Enforced distance by a radius of concrete, to each their own private place of peace
Afraid that the end is near or that and end to the next sale is come to pass, a lost opportunity to sell myself or sell my friend
No man woman or child an island but a continent with swirling winds to then connect us all and then throw us far away, ALP prefers the sea
REF: ALP - Anna Livia Plurabelle from "Finnegan's Wake" (Joyce); Donne - "no man is an island" (from Meditation XVII); Arnold - "on a darkling plain" (from Dover Beach)
altruism (all truisms)
An altruistic act or just greed, my motivation is questioning, am I the selfless one or thinking of my own glory in suffering
My actions are never clear
I need to question everything that I do, Deep inside I know I should follow the golden rule always
If I get something out of it is it wrong or is it just always that way
My actions are never clear
REF: the golden rule - Mathew 7:1, Analects 12:2, Udana-Varga 5:1, Mahabharata 5:1517, Sunnah, Talmud Shabbat 3id, Tai Shang Kan Yin P'ien, Dadisten-i-dinik 94:5
what is a friend?
A moment of security and an assurance of hello
The unreasonable yes when the world says no, Any imagined heaven includes you
Fulfilled desire of one always true and the constant affirmation of value in your deepest you
Without want of being wanted and a loss at any lack, honesty combined with fantasy, no thought of holding back
The breakdown of all reason and a sympathetic truth, a heart filled with terror at the thought of a world without you, my mind is overflowing and my life is stepping down because a friend means showing the world is less without
REF:
what a wise man knows
It's ok to say "I don't know", it's better than "they tell me so", But "I'm afraid to make my own way" is more than I can say ...
But I don't know what I should do, Help me I'm lost in the absence of you
REF: Socrates - "The wise man knows what he does not know", "To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know" (from The Apology), the wise man knows that he knows nothing
Now Now Now
Seeing dawn at the end Of the days long night When tomorrow seems Possibility But happiness is today Not then but always Now now now
An unexamined life Interrupted by a call Awake alert unsafe Anxious towards it all Once you fall Human nature’s upon you You slip an inch And the ticking takes its toll
Timidity becomes conventionality And life’s whims and vanities Middle aged mediocrity And deluded hypocrisy All confidence and bluster And sure without knowing The will you can muster To just keep going
To face the hours And the hours after that
If life could be simple If life could just be (But what is life without a mind The possibilities and choose)
REF: Virginia Woolf “Mrs. Dalloway”
Every Friday Buries A Thursday
Cry and you cry alone Smile and the world is with you The people part of home And the doors keep closing Lock you in or out Suffer the same The people part of home is The emptiest thing
Every Friday buries a Thursday Forget each one, keep your eyes away
Not so much what is said A skin holding a soul, a heart, a head Effort, sympathy breed dignity Only connect!
Sadness pulls apart The days and the hours And makes each sorry A sneering mockery If we could just take ourselves And fill the shoes of another And extend sympathy Beyond obligation
Every Friday buries a Thursday Forget each one, keep your eyes away Momentum deceives us, and lets us see Forward While keeping sideways to the periphery
Not so much what is said A word an act a thought or a deed An impenetrable cloud Concealing connection that we need A single soul Left behind or forgotten Is the death of us all An implicating “sorry”
“I’m sorry” just doesn’t cut it “I’m sorry” doesn’t fill the need “I’m sorry” is for those who do something “I’m sorry” doesn’t mean a thing
Every Friday buries a Thursday And I’m sorry you’ve wasted your day
REF: Joyce “every Friday buries a Thursday”; Forster “only connect”, Woolf “not so much what is said”
The Mark on the Wall
that could be new acres a new sign but its all speculation five and dime of my least favorite instincts contemplating the mark on the wall
but I gave up and gave in true to my sense of hope in telling the lie
I can see sitting still as well as standing up the worst part of knowing is all that you don’t know I can see sitting still the worst part is deeper than I the worst part of seeing is knowing you can’t ask why
REF: Virginia Woolf “The Mark on the Wall”
The Force Not The Water
To say of anyone that they are this or they are that To hold them under The surface ripples and waves and drifting anythings That shield the bottom Shade anemones the flowing curtains that buckle under Currents and encompassing tides But still live despite the efforts of the swirling winds Air we need to stop with water
Value anything By a life preserved
A comment and a superficial mark Like a wave, the force, not the water
If if get it all wrong, if I see just a face And not a person Mistake distortions, for solid meanings And hard sentiment If I get it all wrong, if I feel the waves Against my self Or I could start listening, and stop assuming And enjoy the view
REF: Forster “Howard’s End” - “force, not the water”
Normality is Just Something You Are
Wherever I sit I die in exile From the life I never had The life of the body
Effects less than obvious And decidedly wrong Imaginary worlds breathe and stand And take a life of their own
A culture of I wish I was And an inner life to match My mind is set on the goal Though my feet stray from the path But I must retrain And find new shoes And walk away from this hell Of self-loathing doubt
halvsies (metaphysics of presence)
i followed tracks, traces, and visions, down the path i was told without revisions, but when i finally found the end, it didn’t complete me, it only deceived me
i thought that i’d just live a normal life and settle down with a house or a wife, so they say, so it goes, but it didn’t complete me, it only deceived me
i thought the only point was to make points, settle them out and remove all doubt, but when it comes to the point, they didn’t complete me, they only deceived me
if you think you’ll find some puzzle pieces, you’re selling yourself short, because you’ve got all the pieces, because you’ll never be “complete,” but you don’t have to be deceived
a spur, a trace a mark, an outline in the sand, a rhyme is arbitrary words, and form is emptiness
form is emptiness and emptiness is form
so they say, so it goes, they didn’t complete me, they only deceived me, i still can’t find my better half
my own better half is not a separate thing, it’s an unfulfillable desire. i’ll never be “complete.”
REF: metaphysics of presence, trace, spur (Derrida); so it goes (Vonnegut); emptiness is form, form is emptiness (the heart sutra); using Lacanian notion of desire
becoming instead of just being
becoming instead of just being and looking instead of just seeing, form is emptiness and emptiness is form, performance is a means and an end, an identity isn’t something to defend, for is emptiness and emptiness is form
the simplest answer is the question itself
i don’t need categories to think for me, to write my thoughts for me, to live my life for me
if i inherit my name, my bank, and my faith, isn’t that enough given to me? to think i understand reality or how things should be, opinions aren’t something to receive and neither is an identity
REF: becoming as in Deleuze & Guatarri; emptiness is form, form is emptiness (the heart sutra);
karesansui (meditation on a japanese rock garden)
from nothing we came and to nothing we will return ad nauseum
i become who i want to be
a stone moves no water and feels no wind, it displaces the air but it takes nothing away, leaves a small footprint, just a trace in the sand
look for the path and tread lightly there, feet make no marks, and lungs long to breathe no air, eyes focused on both the east and the west, all the fires that you’ve made, and all the bridges yet to burn
and if you think you have a right to ask the question is always the same we must tread lightly and if you think you have a right to take in trust just think of all the people that came before
form is emptiness and emptiness is form
REF: karesansui – Japanese rock garden; trace in the sand – Derrida, Sunny Day Real Estate; emptiness is form, form is emptiness (the heart sutra);
compulsion robed as destiny
instrumental
REF: